Meant to be

I cried in the Walmart garden section yesterday. My daughter was gleefully playing with the fountains and I started thinking that perhaps a fountain would be a nice addition to our backyard instead of a yellow lady banks rose mixed among the white ones that already reside on our south wall. Just a thought, but the background that goes along with the thought explains the tears.

We had a miscarriage on the last day of January. We had been trying for 3 months before we saw those double pink lines and were so excited to add to our family. My husband was especially ecstatic since he's been gunning for another little one since our first was born, he's nuts, he really is.

We decided we wanted to plant something to remember our little one by, but we have not got around to doing it. We say we haven't had the time, or the money, or its raining, etc but really I think its just the idea of having to remember that we lost someone we loved very much. And I'm crying again now.

Miscarriage is such an odd thing. The saturday it happened was surreal (I hate when people say that, but it was). It was like being under a heavy fog all day. Then you have to tell people, mostly family who were equally excited and now just don't know what to say.

Days go on and you think about it a little less, especially once the bleeding stops but its still a loss and its still there. I pray for the baby every night. The funny thing to me is that people say, it just wasn't meant to be. Obviously it wasn't otherwise I'd be through my first trimester by now but in my heart is still feels like it was meant to be. That Rooter was supposed to be a big sister in October. Its just weird and its just sad.

What else is weird to me are thoughts like this. My husband and I think at this point that we want two kids. So potentially if this wouldn't have happened we would be "done," but now we will try try again and when the next bebe blesses our family its crazy to think that had this not happened then the new little one never would have been. So I pray for out baby in heaven, and I pray for our health and fertility and for the arrival our third child as well.

Lastly, I was surprised to find out how many women I know have had miscarriages. If you know someone who has, give them a big hug they deserve it.

xoxo -Stevi